December 26, 2021
In some ways, it feels like 2021 flew right by, and in others, it feels like it was the never-ending continuation of 2020. Let’s hope that 2022 brings more health and happiness to much of the world.
In the meantime, I’d like to share some words of wisdom for dating in 2022:
1. Texting is the death of the first date.
When you are conversing with someone on a dating app and that person asks to switch over to direct texting on your phone instead (by giving or asking for a phone number), there is a 60% chance that the date will no longer happen. (While not statistically significant, this is based on evidence from my clients’ experiences over the last 10+ years.) Why is this? Because someone drops the ball and doesn’t text, the plans don’t get finalized, someone texts something inappropriate, it turns into a pen pal relationship… the list goes on. Make your plans for the first date directly within the dating app. Once the date is scheduled, feel free to exchange numbers just for contingencies by saying, “In case you need to reach me tomorrow, my number is ___.” Your conversation-to-date conversion rate will be much higher.
2. You get what you allow.
If someone is treating you in a way you don’t like but you accept it, then that is the treatment you will get. For example, let’s say you prefer phone calls, but the person you’re dating only texts you. If you don’t tell the other person your preferences and simply reply to all of the texts, then that is what you get. You should never be shy to ask for what you need, which leads to the next point…
3. Telling someone what you need is not needy.
I hear all the time, primarily from women, that they are afraid to express their needs and expectations to their—often new—partner. That fear is mainly because they don’t want to hear an answer they don’t like. Assuming what you’re asking isn’t unreasonable, then it’s up to the other person to decide whether to do that or not. If they can, great. If they can’t, then it is up to you to decide how important it is to you.
4. You can always add dinner, but you can’t take it back.
Go on a first date for a drink, coffee, or a walk. Then, if you’re having a good time, you can stay longer and get food. If you arrange for dinner and can’t stand each other (no one hopes for this, but it happens), you are stuck at dinner. Wine bars are great—they usually have a good food menu.
5. If you don’t know, ask.
I get questions all the time about what something means that someone said. The reality of it is that I can make an educated guess, but in the end, only the person who said it knows. If you’re not sure what something meant, ask the person who said it.
6. No one is a mind reader.
You want something from your partner. You are not getting that something. Your partner does not know you want it unless you explicitly say it. No hinting. No beating around the bush. Use direct language.
7. Everything short of finding “your person” is not a failure.
We learn a lot about ourselves and other people in the dating process. This is necessary. Some relationships work and some don’t. And many work until they don’t. But the ones that don’t are not failures, and neither are you. It wasn’t a “failed marriage” or a “failed relationship.” Hopefully it was a positive experience (for at least some period) that couldn’t withstand the test of time. Each date or relationship is a learning experience that gets us one step closer to the one that lasts.
Even if we all implement one of the seven tips above, then 2022 should be a more productive year for dating.
Happy to see you back! Excellent tips. Thank you and Happy New Year!
Much appreciated!
How do you feel about sending long messages on dating apps?
I have a habit of sending long messages on dating apps because I want women to see more of my personality and hobbies than I have room to talk about in my profile. I always make sure to ask questions after sharing a bit about myself too. Sometimes it works really well and the person I’m talking to sends long messages in return. Other times I don’t get a response and I think I’m writing too much at once. Do you have any advice?
I would recommend keeping the first message on the shorter side, but still specific to her profile. Then, once she responds, you can gradually write more. What is likely happening is that sometimes, someone might look at the sheet length and be scared off by it and not even read it. I don’t want that to happen to you!
Thanks for the advice! I have trouble keeping my messages short because I feel like short messages are a sign that you’re not interested in the other person at all.
I was talking to somebody a few ago who only wrote two brief messages after I sent her a thoughtful message. She ended up unmatching me after I sent her another message asking for more details about her interests.
I like to write which can be a plus or a minus I on the other hand am older and a widow. I was on Match for a while and i found that the man i wrote to on line, only said a few words about themselves or they wrote a long email re: themselves, including their preferred next chapter of finding she, more of him. A friend of mine who is a writer read what I had written and explained to me not to write much to give an air of mystique and keep it short so the oppositive sex would call to find out more. GG
While I wouldn’t try to “game” it as your friend suggests, I do recommend not oversharing in the initial messages. The goal is to get to a call or a date, not share your life story. But I know some people just can’t help themselves. 😉
Hi Erica – I will disagree with you on a few points.
1. My experience, over more non-dates than I care to count, is that no phone conversation = no show. Seriously. This requires exchanging phone numbers. But if we haven’t talked, there is no real connection, and to way too many women, no value in making that connection.
2. I have also found that some women are so obsessed with texting that several have immediately rejected me when I told them that they would have to call me, because (by choice) I cannot receive texts. I consider texting to be communication without connection. Everybody’s texting device has a phone attached to, it anyway.
Why are you suggesting that the woman call you vs. you calling her? You’ll do better the second way. Most women still want the guy to make the first move.