July 20, 2017
I scheduled a coffee date for 1 PM Thursday with someone on Bumble. We arranged this through the dating app the night before around midnight, ending with, “I’ll see you then!” At 11 AM on Thursday, the day of the date, when I was at the gym and couldn’t reply, I got a, “Still on for 1:00?” text. Hadn’t we just confirmed less than 12 hours ago? Had I not replied at noon saying that it did, in fact, still work, would he not have shown up?
In another instance, I scheduled a date for a Thursday evening. We confirmed the date, including the time and location, on Monday evening. On Wednesday evening, I received a text asking, “Still interested in meeting tomorrow evening?” Didn’t we already go through this? I suppose I get tired of other people’s propensity to bail (or flake or whatever you want to call it) being projected onto future dates… in this case, me. Could be worse, yes, but could also be better.
I give the advice to my clients to use the “confident confirmation” of “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” vs. the weak “Are we still on?” In talking to both male clients (since I generally recommend the man confirms a day before the date) and friends, I know that many take this “weak” approach because they are afraid that if they say, “Looking forward to seeing you,” and don’t get a response, then their date will not show up. Let’s stop the madness!!
I realize that I’m somehow now in the minority of people who do not cancel plans. I have a strong sense of obligation (guilt?), even if I don’t know the other person, to uphold a promise I make. I write my plans in stone (which perhaps leads to a heavy day planner!), so I, as both a dating coach and a person, have a hard time with the way plans are no longer set in stone for most people but more set in quicksand… fleeting at best.
Very sadly, we live in a world full of flakes. What’s at play here? Smart phones, for starters. You can cancel on someone without seeing his or her reaction. You don’t have to incur the ire of someone if you bail and then turn off your phone. But, remember that there is an actual person at the end of that phone. A person who has set aside some time in his or her life to meet you. A person who now has to find other plans or not have any plans. Sure, there are valid reasons to cancel—your child is sick, work put an unexpected deadline on you, your pet snake Marcy got into a catfight—but even if you have one of these valid reasons, remember that your time is no more valuable than someone else’s.
Here are some rules:
1. If you need to cancel the day of the date, call the person.
Yes, call. Just last night, a client told me that her date canceled on her 45 minutes before a date—via text—with nary an apology in sight. Have courtesy.
2. If you’re canceling and you still want to see the other person, then propose a new date at the time of the cancellation.
3. Add an “I’m sorry” into any cancellation.
I once received a cancellation three hours before a date saying, “I need to rain check for tonight. I’m dealing with a work situation that will require my attention.” That’s fine. It happens. But, I read this as “Me me me. I am important. My work is important. Your time isn’t as important.” Just apologize.
4. Don’t cancel!!
Earlier this month, there was an Op Ed in the New York Times called The Golden Age of Bailing. The author, David Brooks, says, “All across America people are deciding on Monday that it would be really fantastic to go grab a drink with X on Thursday. But then when Thursday actually rolls around they realize it would actually be more fantastic to go home, flop on the bed and watch Carpool Karaoke videos. So they send the bailing text or email: ‘So sorry! I’m gonna have to flake on drinks tonight. Overwhelmed. My grandmother just got bubonic plague.…’”
Whether it’s canceling on someone at the last minute, which so many of my own dates and my clients’ dates have done, or ghosting (the deplorable act of “ending” a romantic relationship by simply no longer responding), remember that no matter what you call them, they are still bad—very bad—behaviors.
I was watching Master of None last week on Netflix, and Aziz Ansari’s character of Dev had asked a woman to go to a concert, but she didn’t reply in a timely fashion, so he asked someone else. At the 11th hour, woman #1 (aka the flake) came through, and Dev had a dilemma: Go with woman #2 as planned even though he prefers woman #1 or cancel on woman #2. There should be no dilemma. Woman #1 didn’t answer, so no date for her. Dev rationalizes with this sequence below:
Dev: Ah, it’s pretty rude to flake, man.
Friend: Bro, listen to me. How many times have girls flaked on you? Think about all that emotional stress they caused.
Dev: I’m hearing what you’re saying. Eh, maybe I’ve been looking at this from the wrong angle. I mean, whatever. We can be shitty to people now, and it’s accepted. It’s one of the great things about being alive today.
This made my brain hurt!! Bad behavior should not be replicated because people have bad behavior!
Dev, and all the dates out there who are thinking about flaking, either don’t (the optimal answer) or don’t schedule dates you don’t want to go on! And, if you do need to cancel, remember that there’s a person at the other end, with real feelings and real things to do besides wait around for you.
I welcome your comments below.
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Erika,
I completely agree with your analysis. There are indeed times when unforseen events compel cancellation. I think it essential that when someone cancels, that person should propose a new date at the time of the cancellation. Otherwise, it is reasonable to assume lack of interest.
Any chance you can make the type appear darker in your web articles? Medium gray on light gray is hard to read!
Thanks.
Thanks so much for your thoughts… and the notes about the color!
Color fixed on next article! 🙂
I’ve been stood up twice recently.
Once I texted to confirm 30 minutes before the date (because he still hadn’t chosen between 2 of the proposed date spots) and he texted to say he was still at work. He didn’t actually cancel, just stopped responding to my next texts. Then I texted the next morning, and he apologized profusely and asked for another date. Nope! He still sent several “hi” “hey” “hello” “it’s going to rain tonight” “:(” texts afterward. Sigh.
The other time, we agreed to meet at a spot the day before, and I showed up at the designated time and spot. I texted him and waited 45 minutes, and left in tears. A couple of hours later, he texted me saying that because I hadn’t sent an additional text confirming the day of (not a response to a text he sent, as he didn’t communicate that day), he decided to read his book and take a nap. He blamed me!
This trend is making me not want to go on dates anymore.
This is awful, and I’m so sorry it happened to you. But, don’t stop dating because of two sub-par men. For every two jerks like that, there are also amazing men out there who can’t wait to meet you… and they’ll show up! We can’t change other people’s behavior, but we can do things on our end moving forward, like confirming a day before (with specific language) to try to prevent this. Should you have to do that? No. But for your sanity, it might be worth it.
I have yet to meet a truly amazing man. I’ve had 4 serious relationships in my life of varying lengths and each and every man turned out to be classs A jerks!!
I give up!
I’ve learned to not get my hopes up before a date. Instead I go with the flow. If the guy doesn’t respond to my confirmation date text an hour or two before the date, then I know they’ll be a no show. It seems like men are more spontaneous than planners. If one guy flakes, see if someone else is available. I’ve ended up having several dates this way.
Lots of articles about what to say to cancel, but I’ve yet to find an online opinion about someone who doesn’t call to cancel, when the situation is it’s inescapable you’re going to see each other again regardless for social reasons.
Let’s call them ‘the woman.’ The date time and place is her suggestion a week earlier. The other person, let’s call them ‘the man’ makes a call 6 hours ahead on the same day to share some details because they haven’t been in contact since the date was made. This is when she drops that she can’t make it.
So if the guy didn’t make his call, was she ever going to let him know on her own volition?
I wish I could answer that question, and from “the woman,” I have to wonder, if she doesn’t send a day-of confirmation, was he going to do so or simple show up… or not? The only think I can preach is to be kind and responsible.
A client of mine god stood up yesterday, with him saying “he forgot,” which is unacceptable. I told her to call him and say, in no uncertain terms, “Your time is not more valuable than mine.” This did this and sent a text. He never responded again.
I have just come out of a long term relationship and I feel so sad that this is now the state of things.
Before I met my ex, I think I went on about 30 dating app dates with different men, with no cancellations or flaking. Now i’m back out there and it seems that everything has changed.
In just ONE month I have had three different guys flake on the day of the date! One of these has really affected me as we have been chatting online for weeks and I really felt that we could have a connection, in fact I still do. But there is nothing I can do. He ignored my message asking ‘how come?’ when he flaked.. and thats it. I would love to get his attention again, and its actually driving me a little crazy. I consider myself confident with a lot to offer to a relationship with the right person… but when a match refuses to even meet up I literally don’t stand any chance at all!! WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO! (I am very close to just hanging around near where he works and jumping out on him with a couple of takeaway coffees and force a date on him!)
Ugh — I’m sorry that happened. I agree that times have changed, and technology makes it too easy to simply “poof” and disappear. Do not (and I know you know this already) show up or stalk him. You can, however, get closure for yourself, which is what I recommend a lot of people do when this happens. Keep in mind, though, that this is for your peace of mind only, not for him, and he will still not answer (as in, DO NOT expect a response — he’s too weak to send one). Text this, “When you canceled on our date, I was pretty disappointed since I had been looking forward to it. I do wish you had either rescheduled or told me why you had a change of heart since it was so abrupt. All the best to you.”
I just had this happen to me. Met a guy through a dating app and chatted, only to have him ask me out for the next day. He said he believes in meeting people in person right away. We had that date which was great, and decided we wanted to see each other again. The next weekend we each had plans already on different days. He asked if he could come over Saturday night after my plans ended (I had an event that lasted until 10). I said yes although it was going to be late. I texted him around 9:45 pm to say the event was wrapping up and he said he was too tired to come over. On one hand, great that it wasn’t just a booty call, but I thought it was frustrating that he only told me that he wasn’t coming after I texted him. We got together two more times that next week (Monday and Wednesday) and again had a great time. Made a date for the following Friday. We didn’t say where or what time but said let’s go out. Friday rolls around and I texted him a general “Hey! How’s your day going?” message. He answers that it’s fine and asks how mine is going. I answer, waiting for him to bring up our date that night so we can hammer out some details. Nothing. I texted “So what are we going to do tonight?” with a smiley face (of course to keep it breezy) around 1:30. I hear nothing back from him. He has been a consistently slow to reply texter the whole time I have known him except for the very first day we chatted. At 5 pm, I called him but got no answer. I texted again saying “Hey, I thought we had a date tonight. What’s going on?” He replies 20 minutes later “Ugh I have the flu. I think I caught it at school yesterday.” (He just started a night class at a college the night before). I sent a text back saying “Why didn’t you let me know? I mean if you don’t want to go out with me you can just say so.” I immediately felt like I went overboard – what if he really WAS sick but would want to see me on another day? I sent another text saying sorry for that knee jerk reaction, and how I thought he was blowing me off. I said I hoped he isn’t blowing me off because I had a lot of fun with him and would like to spend more time with him, and chalked this up to me being newly back into the dating world. No reply and I’m not surprised. But I’m sort of kicking myself for my response. Although at the same time, it seems like he SHOULD HAVE let me know if he was truly sick. It shouldn’t have been a reply to MY text. Am I crazy here?
You are not crazy in the least. Your gut was 100% correct — he wasn’t being respectful of your time. The only thing I would have suggested to do differently is not second-guess yourself for telling him to just be honest with you. Sick or not, he left you hanging. I’m pretty sure sick people still text. You want to be with someone who prioritizes you, who respects your time, and who — at a minimum — has the maturity to kindly let you down if he’s no longer interested.
I’d like for you to worry less about how something comes off to a guy (you have every right to ask what’s going on with your date — it’s your schedule too) because he clearly didn’t care how something came off to you! You’ll see how someone who truly wants to spend time with you treats you, and there won’t be guessing games.
I just wish I knew why. I messaged and then texted with a guy for a few weeks. We flirted a bunch and he kept saying he couldn’t wait to meet me in person and suggesting all these things we could do in the future. We had one date scheduled but when I sent a “Looking forward to tomorrow “ text the day ahead, he said he had a family thing, apologized several times, and we tentatively scheduled another for today, with him saying he’d let me know for sure. We texted about other things yesterday but no mention of yes or no to date. I haven’t heard from him, though he’s posted online so I know he’s not in a coma or unable to access a device. He’s the first guy I’ve actually been interested in since I started dating again. I really didn’t think he was the type to ghost or leave someone on the hook but I guess I was wrong. Do I text him at all? Ask why he never decided about today? I don’t want to waste my time, but something keeps telling me to give him another chance, even as several other guys have asked me out, so it’s not that I’m just desperate for a date. Help!!!
Sorry I’m just able to get to this now! What ended up happening? No one should leave you hanging like that. As with Maggie, you need to know your plans. What if it were reversed? You, of course, wouldn’t care if he followed up to ask what was going on. So why shouldn’t you? But, know full well that if someone wants to see you, he will make the time and not flake. I’m sorry that happened!
I’m seeing a really great guy (when I actually get him in person), but who is a flake. He suggests a date but gives no info on place or time. I end up chasing for an update, since I like to plan my day. Often it ends up nothing happening or work/family took over – like a lot of overtime work. My last date I sent a firm text saying this isn’t on, and my time is valuable and do you really want to see me, what do you really want text. I haven’t heard back from him. Part of me worries I was being too heavy. The other part, this is getting beyond a joke. When he is with me and texts, it’s like really romantic and wonderful. But the flaky date thing really gets me, and its starting to give me a bit of anxiety because I don’t know whether the date will go ahead. The trepidation takes away from the experience of just enjoying the process of dating. Is there ever hope that a flake will buck up? Is it time for me to walk away?
Some people are just bad at planning, and some will be flaky when they’re just not that into you since you’re not at the top of their priority list. Regardless of which it is, it’s annoying, especially for a planner like you. You were not too heavy. I truly believe that you get what you allow, and not enough people (especially women) express what they need. I’d send a final text, “Hey there. I was really enjoying getting to you know, but all the wishy-washy plans made me feel like I’m not high on your priority list. I’d love to be wrong, but either way, I wanted to reach out to share my thoughts. If you don’t want to continue seeing each other, please let me know, and I’ll gladly respect that.” For the record, you should not *have* to do this. It’s simply closure that you’re giving to yourself since he’s not providing it.
Noo. Why give them all the power with this response??
This actually happened to me very recently….got chatting with a lady on a dating app, had a phone call, date arranged for 3 days later. A day before, I write to say I had found somewhere to go and got no response. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, called and text the day of the date to confirm times, still no response…..it’s just rude, people are commoditised by these apps.
Anyway I now have a date fixed for next week with someone who seems nice…….just hoping there isn’t a repeat!!!
You call it rude; I call it cowardly. Either way, it had nothing to do with you. Good luck next week!
I was flaked on recently by an online date. He asked me out, we made plans for the following week. He said, oh, I have to wait so long, lol. He wished it was sooner I guess.
Either way, he texted almost daily before the date with hey how are you doings, cute photos, compliments, etc. He continued to say we still on for the date, he seemed very interested. He even confirmed the night before.
Date night rolls around, I’m thinking it’s happening, and crickets…no text, no call, nothing. I had been the last to text him the night before, so it was definitely on him to reply by then.
I finally reached out over text at the end of the night, knowing I was flaked on, and he called me right away. Said oh yes, we are hanging out sometime, work was crazy tonight, etc. He immediately said are you free the next day, or the weekend.
At that point, I was unenthusiastic about it, even though he sounded as cute as his pictures were. So I said I don’t know and it was hard to be free last minute.
He said he would call me back after work, never called back. He did text after to say sorry for cutting our phone call short. So I said call me back later. If not it was okay.
Never heard from him again. A shame because it seemed like it had so much potential going into it, but people cancel, flake and ghost now all too often.
I hate this. But he disrespected your time, so I’m glad you found out early. That doesn’t make it any less frustrating, though!
Tonight a guy I’ve been seeing casually kept me hanging, We’ve been out a few times, but I’ve been on the fence about him because of different things: our first real “date” when he took me out he showed up already buzzed; he is lazy when setting up dates (I’m the one to suggest dates); I think he just doesn’t know how to date because he got married at a young age and he was married for a very long time and just got out of that a few years back. I’m just not sure. Anyway, Wednesday (two days ago), he texted me to say hi and we had a long text exchange, but no asking out. So I asked him if he wanted to go out tonight. He said yes. Then earlier today I confirmed with, do you want to go out at this time? And he responded saying, can I text you back in a few, I’m busy moving. (I didn’t realize he was moving.). Then, 5 hours later, when I wanted to meet up for the date, he texted and said “what’s up”? And I didn’t respond. No “do you still want to meet up” or “I’m so sorry” or anything. Just a “what’s up” as if nothing happened. I don’t respond. 15 minutes later, he says, “I just got finished now”. Finished with what? I’ve been thinking. Finished with moving? Why didn’t he tell me two days ago that he was moving today, and we would’ve scheduled for a different day. Or why didn’t he tell me at 1:00 today when I texted him that tonight probably wouldn’t be good, because he is moving and he’ll be tired. Instead, he left me hanging, and I just feel like he disrespected my time. I hate that more than anything. We are not in a relationship, and so far, he hasn’t really been impressing me or showing too much effort. He seems like he could have a lot of potential, but I feel like I need to train him on how to treat me or something, but honestly, I think I just want to give up. Was I being too harsh?
Too harsh? Quite the opposite. I think you’re too patient. As a test, what would you say to your friend if she had done that to you? I’m guessing, “What happened today? I thought we were meeting, and I cleared my night, so when you didn’t confirm the plans, it felt like my time was disrespected.” I know it’s hard to say things like that to men somestimes. But I say, what’s wrong with him knowing it bothered you? Do I think this is your guy? No, I don’t. You’re clearly a communicator and a planner, and if his lack of planning drives you nuts now, this is only the beginning.
I have been seeing a guy for about a month now but before getting intimate with each other we’re good friends. Even as friends he had a habit of not replying soon or until the next day, that was fine with me. But now it kind of stings and we have a date on Tuesday and it was confirmed twice already on Friday, he text me that night that he went out with his friends. I texted him Saturday to see how was his day with the guys and nothing and Sunday night, I’m new to the dating scene. Am i over reacting? I really like this guy and see where this go but i don’t want to be overbearing.
Not overreacting or being overbearing. It’s reasonable to want a response in a timely fashion. We are all attached to our phones. Do an exercise for me… flip it around. If you didn’t answer for a while, you’d think it was weird if he *didn’t* say anything. You deserve to know your schedule.
Not sure what I’ve done wrong or why people flake on the day of the date?! This has happened now two weeks in a row. Conversations going great, I’m attracted to them and then they become one worded the day of the big meet. I didn’t pressure them to answer me if it was still on even though I sensed they were going to bail. Just texted what time would you like to meet up? No reply!
I really had my hopes up for the last one but she shown her true colors.
I wish I knew! You’re welcome to email me the text exchange if you like and I’d be happy to look. info@alittlenudge.com
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I refuse to confirm dates beyond the time that we make them. I confirm it right then. If they are interested they will show up on time for the date. If not, they won’t. I don’t care either way. I am not going to remind them or check in.
If it’s more than a few days before that you make the plans, I recommend confirming again a day before.
Thanks so much for your thoughts. Very informative blog.
Glad you liked!
Hi Erika, I just stumbled across your blog as I was looking for some insight into how to handle guys flaking on me. I’m an attractive muddle-aged woman. I took a break from dating fora while after getting out of a long-term relationship.
So I recently dipped my toe into the online dating (cough, cesspool, cough) pool. A few nights ago, I got stood up by a 62 year old man I met online. We exchanged texts and pictures over two days. He said he had been recently burned by a woman he was in a 4-year relationship with (she secretly got married to her baby daddy unbeknownst to him) and that he was looking for honesty, trust, and friendship. He seemed to ne saying the right things, so when he asked me out for dinner, I said yes. The day before we confirmed the time and place,but only had a shiet text exchange. The day of I felt uneasy, so I texted him and said I would be coming in an Uber so if tveed was any change in plans, please give me some advance notice. He said “Absolutely. But I will be there. ” Fast forward to that evening. I arrived 10 minutes early and was seated at a table. I kept looking at my phone and couldn’t help notice all the people around me having a good time. 15 minutes passed. Then 30. I texted him to say I was at the restaurant and was concerned that he wasn’t there and hadn’t heard from him. I said J would be leaving in 10 minutes.
He didn’t show. I felt awful. I hadn’t been stood up in over 20 years. My waitress was wonderful. She expressed sympathy, said it had happened to her, and told me there was a special table in the bar/lounge area waiting for me and that she/the restaurant would be happy to buy me a drink, appetizer, and dessert. I took her up on her offer and was treated like a queen. Even if she hadn’t offered,,I was thinking about going to the bar/,lounge. After all, I spent 2 hours getting ready and $20 on an Uber. I had a good time and a fantastic margaritas.
When I got home, I texted the jerk who stood me up to tell him I would have appreciated the courtesy of advance notice of his needing to cancel and that he should never contact me again I sometimes wish I was the type of person who didnneed to send that kind of message to get closure and could move on without doing it, but I’m not. I also now question if anything that guy told me was true. I read an article about the psychology behind the no-show behavior. One of the things it said was that some people lead others on to validate themselves. They just want to know that they make someone interested and have no intention on meeting or following through. Sone people may also have social anxiety, but it seems to me that the guy in the situation I just described very well could have been using me to validate his self-worth .
So today I’m supposed to have a first date –a coffee date– with another guy I met online. We started talking over a week ago. He lives an hour away from me. He has his own business and works a lot. We’ve exchanged several messages. Except for one other time and today, he’s been quick to respond. A few days ago, we confirmed meeting at a coffee shop near me. He gave me a tentative time of 2pm but said he might be able to make it earlier and would let me know. We made these plans before the weekend, and I was disappointed he didn’t Sat anything about meeting over the weekend. He told me he was single, but my intuition is telling me he might have a girlfriend or somebody. I could be wrong. I was waiting to meet to see if I could ask why he didn’t suggest getting together over the weekend.
Back to today. When l by 10am I hadn’t heard from him, I texted him and asked if we were still on. I saud J would appreciate hearing from him either way so I could plan my day. Over an hour later, and no reply. It’s so infuriating ni get that sone people aren’t planners, but 0 communication equates to a total lack of consideration. Any advice on what I should,(,or shouldn’t do) next? I’m trying to resist the urge to tell him off or text again.
Thanks.
The tips for managing flaky behavior are practical and helpful. Setting clear expectations and boundaries is key to navigating the dating scene with confidence.
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What are some potential psychological reasons behind why people might prefer to cancel plans at the last minute?
Hi great article! I was supposed to have a fourth date. Usually I run up to worcestor to meet them near their hometown, but this fourth time I wanted to go out near my own hometown and he agreed to come down. We had plans for dinner, and he texted me that we would meet at the park, an address I gave him from a different time. He knows the area we were supposed to meet at, he’s been there before , well we made plans last night, on the phone and confirmed on a text, and reconfirmed the dinner this morning at 10:15 am then suddenly about 2:00 I get a weird text “If u don’t tell me what the plan is I won’t know. R v doing just dinner ? Eta?” which seemed strange considering I was out with my cousin and the plan was to meet at six. I answered sure dinner is great, eta is 6:00 pm I was with my cousin at the time. Then he texts” I can come at 5 if you like or late night “ well it was so strange… hadn’t we already agreed upon 6? What difference is an hour tbh, he knew I was out with my cousin. Then he say or late night? Well, why? Why “late night” when the plan was for six, then he calls and says can you still meet at 5:40? And I’m thinking yeah no problem that’s only ten minutes, there’s traffic he could be hung up, but why text me an hour before we are meeting when he has to already be driving?( he was working 2.5 hours away. He also texts” if at six we won’t have much time…” well why not? This is our plans so why not have time? It’s 20 minutes for Gods sake not more then that . So he is “supposedly “ on his way to the park to meet me, and why would he want to meet at the park anyway? It’s weird, why not meet at parking near the restaurant. So I texted him the address, and he says “ oh ok and then instead of calling me back to cancel he texts me , sorry it’s too far, let’s meet another day… like wtf? I arranges all my plans around this already why would I want the same sh@& on another day? Why not a call to say, hi I’m finding this inconvenient would you be ok if we met another day? Seriously is it me? Or what is wrong with a person? I texted a reply back “It’s good to know that I’m not worth the extra 15 minute ride. Good to know. ” and “Also , it hurt me that you made plans with me and didn’t even ask if I’m ok with you not coming. To me that shows you either don’t know any better, or really don’t care about my feelings. And I already know you’re intelligent, but do remember I am also intelligent. Two intelligent, bright, caring people should make the ultimate decision to not meet together. At least be apologetic not dismissive of my feelings. ”